Being afraid.

I don’t have fixed income. For the past 16 yrs I’m financially dependant on this head of family. I have saving, small amount of saving. It can only support us for a couple of months. 
I can’t provide luxuries. Expensive toys. Traveling abroad. Decent holiday. I don’t even know how am i supposed to pay electricity.
All I know those are privileges that my kids used to have. Easily.
But hey, what’s the use of being afraid? All my life, I always know that my God won’t abandon me. Somehow, I will find a way.
Bismillah.

  

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Diam.

Jika ada orang orang yang bisa menyimpan rapat masalahnya, maka aku tidak.

Tidak bisa. Belum bisa. 

Lemah? Iya. Hanya orang orang yang kuat hati, bermental baja yang bisa melakukan itu. Aku tidak. Belum.

Buat apa? Itu kan mempermalukan diri sendiri. Betul. Tapi tidak aku pikirkan. Kan yang malu diriku sendiri, bukan kamu?

Itu kan mendeskriditkan orang lain? Bisa jadi. Lah versiku tentu berbeda dengan versimu. Apalagi versi dia.

Kamu cari dukungan ya? Ada. Sepersekian lah. Sebenarnya lebih ke arah mengeluarkan saja isi hati, yang tentu..berdasarkan versiku sendiri.

Jadi yang benar, versi yang mana? Kataku, it doesn’t matter to me. If talking is silver. Diamond is gold. For me , don’t give a damn what others think is platinum. 

Dalam diamku, aku babak belur. Too many voices. I can’t handle that ( yet ).  My self management is poor. Meski tampak dari luar I’m tough. I can fight some stupid bus driver on the street. But I can cry and mourn over dead stray kittens. Paradox.

I can’t stand silence. That’s why I never wanted to try diving. I imagine, must be so quiet down there. A complete silence except your breathing and your pulse. 

So when people told me to keep my silence, to gain my dignity.. I’d say, oke lah..perhaps later. But not now.