Fleksibilitas.

Dalam hidup, hampir tak ada yang pasti. Yang pasti itu, selain waktu yang pasti akan terlewati, satu lagi adalah : mati.

Jadi semua bisa berubah, evolve, atau beradaptasi. Begitupun prinsip hidup. Pakem ya mesti ada, tapi ada beberapa hal yang mesti menyesuaikan diri.

Suatu kali, aku pernah, sering malah, berkata bahwa bahagia itu kita yang cari. Dengan melihat orang lain bahagia , kita pun bisa bahagia.

Sekali waktu kudengar seseorang berkata, bahagia itu harus mulai dari diri sendiri, baru bisa membahagiakan orang lain.

Menurutku, keduanya benar. Akan tetapi tergantung kondisi dan situasinya masing masing.

Aku pernah bertahan dalam keadaan yang serba tak pasti, hanya karena bagiku kebahagiaan orang lain kurasa jauh lebih penting . Bahagiaku sendiri, itu soal nanti.

Namun ada pula pada suatu waktu, situasi dan kondisi yang tergambar menghendaki aku melangkah pergi, karena memang sudah tak ada jalan lagi. Saat itu lah kuputuskan, aku sendiri , mesti bahagia terlebih  dulu, sebelum bahagia itu kuberi kepada yang lain.

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Aku.

Adalah sebuah ketidaksengajaan 

Yang akhirnya kau sengajakan

Sebuah ketidakmungkinan

Yang tetap kau paksakan.

Sarap.

Some men.

When their heads have turned. When their interests have gone. When they are having or want to seek another. They can be really really mean. 

Ego and that thing under their loins will control their brains. They will count every penny. They will keep any dime. Some of them wouldn’t even bother to care about their child , let alone the mother of their child(ren).

Bukan tentang masalah rakus tentang harta. Tapi jika seorang perempuan sudah menghabiskan 1/2 hidupnya, melewatkan masa produktifnya, untuk menjadi seorang rumah tangga, sesungguhnya yang begitu begitu mana bisa dihitung dengan nominal rupiah?

Laki laki, di usia 40-50 tahun, dengan gaji atau penerimaan puluhan bahkan ratusan juta, masih mampu menafkahi dirinya. Atau bahkan perempuan barunya. Dan memulai hidup baru. Dan masih kikir merelakan hartanya untuk perempuan yang sudah merelakan sebagian dari hidupnya untuk keluarga? Mau kerja apa dia, jika kau buang di usia yang tak lagi muda?

Second chance.

I’ve been observing, and reading about people who got second chance of remarry. Some, turn out to be just fine ( at least look like it ). Some, well.. like repeating the same horror movie again. 

At this moment, to be honest, being married is more terrifying than that movie Conjuring part II for me. Whenever I hear the word “wife”, all the sudden words like : obedience, duty, cuffs, obligation, chains, walls, fences, barb wires amazingly appear.

People often told me : remarry. You’re still ( considered ) young. Love yourself. When you are already too old, who’s gonna take you?

Maybe they’re right.

Time is something we can’t beat. It always moves forward, no matter what. And time is a harder on us, women. 

They say, you’ve got to be positive, there must be someone right out there. Someone better for you. 

For me.

Me.

Everytime I hear that, automatically I think about my sons. How they will react. How they will feel, seeing their mother being with someone else than their father. But most important : how this divorce and the remarry ( of their parents ) will effect their character and their value about ‘marriage’.

I’m old fashioned. 

I wish my sons, my grandchildren, my  great grandchildren will marry  to the same person til death do them apart, just like my parents, my grandparents before me. And probably my great great great grandparents, too. Bacause marriage to me, is more than a commitment between two persons. We live in Eastern culture. It should consider family, extended family and ofcourse society. 

I know, I will always need company. I’m not that strong, I will need a partner. Someone to share story with. Someone who can hold my hand, and give me ease and peace. Someone to laugh with, over stupid things. Someone I can call : my own.

Loneliness.

Definitely is my biggest enemy. Or..fear. Oh well still can’t beat my fear of snakes, ‘though… 

Maybe because I eventually make loneliness become a burden. Maybe because I always put a pressure on my back whenever it comes to weekends.I used to go out as family on weekends, same as you do. Now I realized, I don’t do that anymore. And it feels.. bitter. Oh so bitter.

Maybe because I blame someone, somebody, some people. Maybe I haven’t accepted my fate completely. Maybe I hate too much. Maybe I got jealous, cuz I don’t have all of my kids with me. 

Maybe I should feel good about myself. Lose some weight might help. Instead of binge eating while sulking.