Dead end.

I have a heart and it’s quite broken. 

It has stitches but definitely still prone.

I read his words as if they were spoken.

There’s already a dead end in what’s been shown.

About A Girl.

There is a girl. She lives her life by following her heart.

Based on intuition, she said.

Stubbornly.

She tends to break the rules. Not all of the rules, but yea.. probably most of them.

I have my own opinion and way of thinking, she said.

Stubbornly.

Eventhough others said it was wrong, it was uncommon, it was weird, whatsoever.

All I can see is, she hardly feels regrets.

That’s what keeps her going.

One day she said to me : ” Whatever you do, make sure you will never regret it. Acknowledge first, any possibilities of whatever things that you wanna do, good or bad. And be prepared of any consequences. Because the lousiest feeling in the world is regret.”

She paused for a few seconds.

” And best thing to not feel any regrets, is simply to be yourself.”

That’s what she said. And that’s what she does, or will do.

Stubbornly.

About A Boy.

There was a boy. Tall, fair, good looking boy.

Life’s been harsh to me, he said.

But I could not care less, he said.

One day he found another love, so he thought.

Since he was kind of picky, the boy has always been addicted to love as soon as he found one.

I don’t like to pretend..such a waste of time, he said.

But it was complicated.

The heart of that girl was once broken, and torn into pieces. It was mended, poorly… and still healing itself bit by bit.

That broken heart she had, was already growing stronger and tougher, sometimes too strong as if nothing can even shake it anymore.

The boy often feels frustated. Expectations lead him to sensitivity, his own heart sometimes bruised.

Is it him, or is it her?

Maybe, the boy had not realized that :

It takes a strong man to own a heart of a broken girl.

A Prayer.

Visited a dear friend this afternoon at the hospital. At first, she looked fine and she said she felt a lot better.

She told me, that before being hospitalized, she couldn’t move and couldn’t talk. Her body was aching and she felt severe pain in her left abdomen.

Some of the test results mentioned that there’s no problem in her kidney like she thought before. But she needs to do more spesific test on her abdomen.

Few hours later, suddenly she wrinkled on her bed. Infact, she was on painkiller and it was starting to worn out.

She was on fetal position, showing that she was bearing a lot of pain. When the nurse came in, i can hear her almost crying tone in her voice.

I freezed.

I did not know what to say or do. I could tell she was in a lot of pain, eventhough she tried so hard not to feel it.

I ran my fingers thru her hair. I did not say a word, only cast a pray for God to have mercy and ease her pain.

That friend of mine, behind that frail body, she kept a lion inside. She’s always a fighter and have been thru a lot in her life.

But seeing her wringkled like that….. really broke my heart.

So dear God,

If You listen and possibly reading this, please heal her. Bless her, like she always believe in You.

Aamiin.

Lebak Bulus, 21/08/2019

Ibu Mertua.

Pagi ini, baca unggahan galau seorang teman di akun media sosialnya. Tentang kehawatiran, anak lelakinya kini semakin beranjak dewasa.

“Nanti, kalo kamu sudah punya istri, mama tetap jadi yang nomer satu, kan?” Tulis sang teman.

Bisa dimengerti.

Aku juga punya kekhawatiran ( dan mungkin juga ke-lebay-an ) yang sama.

Tapi yang menarik adalah komentar salah satu teman dari si temanku tadi.

” Janganlah… yang nomor 1 ya istrinya. Memang mau, diduain sama mertua?” Begitu isi komentar salah satu netijen.

I don’t like reading this.

Ih siapa lo, berani harus nomer satu dari ibu suami lo?

Boro nomer satu, minta disejajarin aja uda aku anggap nekat.

Aduh, ngga ingat apa, suami/pacar/gebetan/selingkuhan kamu itu yang mengandung dan melahirkan siapa? Yang nyebokin dan mandiin siapa? Yang mendidik siapa? Yang ngasih makan siapa? Yang nyekolahin siapa?

Lah kan kita nikah sudah dapat pasangan yang sudah “jadi”? Yang “berdarah-darah” dari kecil siapa? Ya ibunya. Oh ya, dan tentu bapaknya.

Jadi, please, woman! Have a mercy for your husband. Dah capek juga kali dia nyari duit, buat memenuhi kebutuhan kamu dan anak-anakmu. Berapa paling, yang ia berikan buat ibunya? Waktu, ya sudah pasti banyak habis dipropritaskan untuk kamu. Duit? Ya pasti buat kamu dan anak-anakmu.

Eh btw, ini jika kita bicara tentang sikon rumah tangga yang biasa ya. Karena aku tentunya paham ada sikon yang gak biasa bahkan luar biasa di dalam hubungan ibu, anak dan menantu.

Jadi…..

Tahu diri sajalah.

Kan mungkin engkau juga akan atau sudah menjadi seorang ibu. Sedih, ngga…jika melihat anak laki-lakimu lebih memilih manut dan selalu menuruti istrinya ketimbang kamu? Iya kalau kamu tipikal menantu yang sayang dan bisa berlaku adil buat mertua. Kalo enggak? Yaaaa… tahu diri sajalaaah…..

https://pin.it/balzt6jnfch4di

Pakem.

Sesuatu yang sudah ada sebelumnya, aku pasti harus bisa terima.

Akan tetapi sesuatu yang datang, atau dibiarkan datang sesudahnya…

Oh!

Belum tentu bisa ku perlakukan sama.

That Million Dollar Question.

” …and there’s always someone else you put first before yourself. Your parents, your spouse or partners, then your kids. You gotta learn how to appreciate yourself better,” said somebody to me.

During my university years, it was always about my parents.

Bad grades, I felt like humiliating my parents. So I studied hard. For them.

Dating, I thought about my dad. Do not get impregnated before marriage! Otherwise I’d humiliated my parents…

I struggled for part time jobs, because I did not want to burden my parents.

Then I got married for the same reason : did not want to be a burden to my parents because in the same year my brother went to university and I knew it would cost them a fortune.

And because that man (at that time) loved me so much, too much.

Then I became a mother.

Lack of sleep, for my kids.

Quit smoking, for my kids.

Wake up in the wee hours of the morning and never be able to have 8 hours of sleep anymore, for my kids.

I stayed in toxic relationship for almost 17 years, for my kids.

I stayed in another toxic…uhm.. I’d say a little less toxic ( but still toxic, you know what I mean ) relationship for years… I don’t know. For whom?

For him, who has always been there, along the way during my darkest days?

Or

For me?

…Eventhough I know the possibility for us to be together is only depend on God’s merciful will?