Heartbroken.

Kadang-kadang, kita memang harus mengambil sebuah langkah berani untuk keluar dari sebuah zona nyaman.

Memang, awalnya rasanya mengerikan dan penuh dengan tanda tanya.

Bagaimana jika….

Kalo nanti begini, gimana?

Duh, ada sesal ngga ya?

Atau…..

What would I do without you?

Wajar kalau takut. Manusiawi banget. Tapi tau ngga, seringkali apa yang ditakutkan terjadi tak seperti yang dibayangkan.

Pasrah aja.

Kayak kalo aku mesti ke dokter gigi karena ada ngilu yang mengganggu atau tambalan yang lepas.. Atau saat akan melakukan pemeriksaan kandungan tahunan di dokter spesialis kebidanan. Rasanya malessss banget deh.

Tapi tahu, harus dilakukan. Jadinya mau ngga mau ya duduk pasrah saja menanti antrian untuk “dieksekusi”.

Biasanya, di kepala aku selalu berulang-ulang mengucap mantra : “this too, shall pass..”.

Beneran sih.

Dalam 1-2 jam, kengerian itu akhirnya berakhir. Dan sesudahnya aku langsung lupa dengan rasa malas dan takut yang sebelumnya mendera di ruang tunggu praktik dokter.

Begitupun saat aku harus mengakhiri sebuah hubungan yang aku rasa sudah tak bisa lagi dipertahankan.

Butuh 1 tahun penuh untuk menimbang, berpikir masak-masak, sembari menunggu pertanda kapankah aku punya keberanian untuk keluar dari zona nyaman itu.

He’s a real gentleman.

He’s mature and know how to handle me.

He took care of me.

We did everything together, hobby, food hunting, work out, movies, or even for a foot massage.

We had so much in common.

He has a sexy tattoo on his back, great body, and ofcourse the ……*beep!*

What about this? What about that?

We were almost perfect for each other.

We looked good together, they said.

He respects me.

Dan mendadak segala keluhan tentang ke-posesif-an, egois, gengsian, kekurangarifan untuk segi finansial, segala macam aturan, ketidakmampuan mengambil keputusan penting dan bodyshaming kecil-kecilan termaafkan, terlupakan.

Biasalah, namanya juga setan yang berusaha menggoyang ketetapan hati.

Meski dengan segala kelebihan di atas, we just can’t be together, by fate (and by will, karena kalau ada niat sih…mestinya ada aja jalan, ya ngga?), I was once happy, 100% committed, faithful. At that time, I knew how it feels to love, unconditionally.

On the other hand, I am fully aware that life will never give you a smooth and hassle free road. There are always speedbumps, roadwork, a culdesac or even… road end.

Sadly, finally we came to a road end.

Oh that excrutiating 3 hours of long silence after I had the courage to drop the bomb. I had to finish it all, because I knew he could not decide or would not do anything more.

Aku pamit ya…. I need to move on with my life….” so I said on that one Wednesday morning.

He was shock, I was trembling. He was hurt, I guess. But I was hurt also because I had to hurt him.

You see….I loved him so much, too much. But I gotta love myself more. After years and years of happiness and sometimes a little sadness, I tasted the ultimate pain in a love relationship : a broken heart.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s