Nyesel…?

Saat selesai menjalani sebuah hubungan romantis, pacaran gitu, aku biasanya jarang menyesal.

Mau seperti apa mantan(mantan) pacarku dulu, baik-buruknya selalu bisa kuterima.

Penyesalan pertama pernah datang saat aku masih kinyis-kinyis. Aku bahkan tak ingat berapa lama aku berpacaran dengan cowok itu. Sempat malah, kalau bisa, memori di situ langsung hilang, di-skip, pindah ke babak berikutnya.

Gara-gara apa?

Simpel. Dia kulihat suka mengkonsumsi obat-obatan sejenis anti depresan yang menurutku “engga banget”. Tapi pil-pil putih itu membuatku ilfil seketika dan bertahun tahun kemudian membuatku terhenyak : “Guuurl, what were you thinking???”

Padahal, yang kudengar, ia sangat membanggakan bisa pernah berpacaran denganku. Sementara aku .. duhh kalo bisa ngga usah ingat ingat lagi dah. Skip! Skiiip!

Kemudian di suatu waktu, aku pernah dekat dan bisa dikatakan berpacaran dengan seseorang laki laki.

Good looking lah, baik, nice, sweet., helpful.

So I thought…

Sampai tiba saatnya berbenturan dengan konflik. Mulanya, konflik terselesaikan dengan baik dan damai. Sampai suatu ketika dia memasukkan figur lain, yang konon katanya “hanya” seorang teman wanita.

Teman wanita yang katanya dan kelihatannya sih naksir banget ama dia.

Jealous?

Hahaha. I’m too proud to be jealous, my dear. Seriously.

Bagiku, entah untuk alasan apa, pria ini sangat menjaga baik-baik pertemanannya dengan si wanita ini. Padahal katanya ngga suka…. (LOL)

Tuduhanku sih… dasar aja ni laki lagi di atas angin, karena ada atau banyak yang naksir. Ia menikmati kebutuhan wanita itu akan dirinya.

Mungkin juga, sengaja dipiara buat memancing emosiku. Mungkin saja ia ingin mengetes dan penasaran sedalam apa cintaku padanya. Manas-manasin, gitu… agar api asmara semakin membara.

Pret.

Dan seperti yang sudah-sudah, aku enggan berkompetisi. Dih, apalagi demi ngerebutin laki-laki. So after.. I dunno, 4-5 months, I finally and calmly ended it.

Maybe he was hurt. Maybe he hated me. Afterall, he always said he loved me. Only me.

But I did not buy it.

Every pictures shown he and that woman were always side by side, and for me that was a disgrace and already told me everything.

That he did not respect me.

So sorry, man.. all that love you bullshit, I did not buy it. You gotta prove it better than that.

Dan selama melewati konflik sesudahnya, duh… ngga worth it banget.

Dia hina aku. Mulutnya pedas. Kalo pedas tepat sasaran yang mendinglah. Ini pedas semua dihajar dengan membabi buta yang saat itu kerap membuatku berpikir,” Heh??!?! Kok gituuu siih?!?!!”

Dia underestimate kemampuanku berpikir, bahkan memilih teman. Padahal sebagai anak rantau yang mudah bergaul, mungkin aku lebih banyak bertemu atau berteman orang-orang dengan karakteristik dan latar belakang yang beragam ketimbang doi, ya ngga?

He ditched me on the street, once. <— wagelaseeh yang ini ENGGA BANGED, sumpah. Kalo sampai anak laki-lakiku ada yang menghindari masalah dengan main kabur, apalagi sampai membiarkan anak gadis orang sendirian di jalan, kukemplang dia!

He was indecissive, when I gave him choices, serious choices like : me, or her ( ofcourse I was being reasonable and gave him win/win sollution first). Sorry mate, you can’t have them all. I’d better cut myself loose.

He was an overthinker. My God, how he thought about somebody’s or other people thought… Why bother?

He was manipulative. Somehow in every situation he put the ideas to people that I was super mean and he was the victim. Just like what happened in his previous relationship ( I began to wonder…).

He was childish. Yeah, indeed.

He scolded me of being selfish (that’s okay, I admit it, and thought that he was a total narcissist).

He never listen. He only heard what he wanted to hear.

He actually did not really care how I feel.

He thought he was the one that always right.

Basically….he was far knowing how to handle me.

When it finally ended, ada sesuatu yang mengganjal yang mungkin… mungkin menyebabkan aku berpikir,” Damn, why did I fall for him? Better have a no string attached relationship at the first place, so I would remember him like only one of those guys that I had kissed and told good bye on the next day.”

Eventhough I still can think something good and nice about this fella, somehow my head kept saying, ” Guuurl! What were you thinking?!?!!”